The search for pregnancy, something that a priori we all imagine as a “beautiful, exciting and tender” stage can be a true source of stress and anxiety when, after a while, that pregnancy does not arrive. The fertility problems they affect, and much, people's lives. We tell you how show your support to a couple with fertility problems And what should we not tell them.
It is estimated that in Spain about 17% of couples have fertility problems, that is, they either have difficulty conceiving or for the pregnancy to end. We are talking about 800,000 couples, which is not a small thing. Given these figures it is not uncommon for us to find that in our environment someone is having these difficulties.
What we tend to say ...
When we appreciate someone and this someone tells us a problem, we instinctively tend to "Give advice", to tell you what to do or to try to encourage you With a positive perspective on your situation. It is the most common, and obviously born of worry and affection.
However, these “tempers” are not always the best option, and in many cases our good will can make the person in front feel bad.
Fertility difficulties affect both individual and couple level: self-esteem, definition of self as an adult, couple dynamics, economy, vital projects, short and medium term plans ... It is not easy. That is why we should be especially careful with how we show our support.
What should we not tell someone who is having fertility problems?
"As soon as you relax you will arrive" This is one of those things that we have very socially accepted, but that leave KO to the recipient.
In the first place, saying this is not useful because when we talk about fertility problems we are in a purely biological, not psychological field.
On the other hand, this statement places the members of the couple responsible for the situation ("there has been no pregnancy because you are tense") especially the woman, which adds absolutely unnecessary pressure.
"My cousin / sister / friend just stayed, don't worry it will come to you." Telling them about other recent pregnancies far from providing relief, waiting or joy what they can take is to feel even more sad and heartbroken.
Thoughts of the type "Everyone achieves it except us", "I have a problem, I am broken" or "Why has it touched us?", They are very common when this news is received, and can generate enough discomfort emotional, no matter how good our intention was to tell you.
With this I am not saying that these people do not rejoice at the news of a pregnancy of someone close, or that they want no one else to succeed, at all. But it does generate emotional distress, as I said, and removes them. What may seem to us "a story that encourages" them can harm them.
"That's not the time / When the time comes, it will come"
When one decides to have children, there is no question that serious difficulties will arise. We assume that in a reasonable time pregnancy will come. When this does not happen the feeling of no control is tremendous, so comments like this, which can also come at a time when the couple has already tried several solutions without success, is devastating.
They, like almost everyone, were waiting for it to come when they got down to work, so "the moment" in principle was that. The "will come" creates ambiguity, falls on a bed of negative experiences, so despite being a good desire better refrain from saying so.
"And if you can't, are you going to adopt?"
Raising adoption, ovodonation or other alternatives can put you in a really awkward situation. What if they haven't even raised it? What if it is a point that they have not addressed because they do not feel capable? What if there is disagreement between the two and it is a very tricky subject? Careful with this.
When the couple already has a child
It is very common that when a couple is looking for their second child and the latter does not arrive we hear things like "Well, but at least you already have your son, which is not as if you had none."
The experience of wanting to be a mother or father again and not to happen is painful whether or not we have another child. With comments like this, what we are telling you is that they should conform or that your child must be enough to fill them in case they cannot have another.
In addition, this can lead to a greater sense of guilt (already often present in these cases): "I should not feel so bad because I already have my son", "Is it that my son is not enough for me? How is that possible?".
What can we tell them then?
Ask them how they feel or how they are at that time: This makes them feel that they can talk and that we are willing to listen. The journey of fertility problems on many occasions generates in people the feeling that their life revolves around the subject, and it is common that they do not raise the issue with friends or family for fear of being monothematic, to be judged, to we give our opinion (as I have told before), etc.
By asking openly but not inquisitively, we provide you with the opportunity to express, share and externalize your feelings, something very healthy, but we are not being so direct that you can not avoid the issue if you do not want to talk about it. The question makes them feel supportive but without pressure.
Openly offer our support: "How can we help you?" Or "When you need something, go out to clear you, a little talk, whatever, here we are" are infallible formulas to show that we are there to help them in whatever they deem appropriate.
In this way we are not being invasive, but we do show our concern and support clearly, and that can be very comforting.
Photos: Pixabay.com; Friends;
In Babies and more: When to seek help in case of not achieving a pregnancy; When you want to have children and your partner does not
