Since I am a father, much of my dialogues with friends, family and acquaintances, even in my work, because I work in pediatrics, they are related to children. I have always been quite discreet with the lives of my children (yes it is true that I have talked a lot about them here, but more with the intention of explaining our relationship than in order to explain how they are or what they do), so I soon discovered that when talking about children there is a kind of competition to see which one is the smartest, which one who reads before, which one who sleeps the most, the one who laughs the most, the most handsome, the most creative, the one who walks before, the most affectionate, the one who knows more, the one who eat better, the one who ...
Come on, you get together with other parents and want to not see them again because they talk to you about their children as if they were trophies, like who teaches you the new car that has just been bought and recites all the features it has, like who explains that it has something like telling you that "you will never have it" and it turns out that you also have, like who shows your resume and He has studies that maybe you also have, to give some examples. But they don't realize that they are children, people, and no objects to boast about? Do you not see that it is an absurd and tiring competition? Why do they do it? Let's talk a little about it.
The mother who received a letter complaining about talking about her daughter on Facebook
Eye, go ahead that I really do not care that parents do. In fact, there are very few things that can bother me in this life, so this is not one of them. It's just that I find it curious and I think it's a fact that many parents should review, especially if the children realize the constant act of extolling qualities that may be such, but may not be.
A few weeks ago a curious news came to light, that of a mother who received an anonymous letter complaining about her constant comments on social networks about her daughter. The letter is in English and you can see it below:
Summing up a little, she goes on to say that she, the writer, and other friends, also have children and that for them they are also wonderful, but that That's why they go all day explaining everything the girl does. What is wearing new clothes? Share it privately with whoever you want. What has turned 6 months or has started to crawl? Congratulations, great, it's not for much! The girl is beautiful and everyone loves her very much, even who writes her, but reminds her that her children are also great and that everyone thought she would stop talking all day about anything her daughter does the first month, but no, which is already 6 and still erre que erre.
Would I tell a mother or father to stop doing it? Never. In fact, I prefer that they do this to be told by other nonsense that people tell me, that I don't know or what's coming, that they don't contribute anything and that it updates me the vital moment of someone whose moment doesn't seem interesting to me at all: "I've been two hours cleaning and I'm very tired, "well, normal, I would be too. "I'm so hungry that I'm going to eat the whole closet", already, it happens to me when I'm hungry, but then the closet is still there (this gives for another reflection ... to what extent it makes sense that we explain on social networks that we just blinked).
Now, that there are worse status updates or tweets does not mean that some parents do not think something similar. Maybe not on the Internet, or not only on the Internet, because there are mothers like that in a loud voice, who tell you all about their children, every new achievement, every milestone, everything they do, and then add "it's super scabilated" or "I I think it's too clever "and things like that. Hello? Have you noticed that I also have children? Doesn't it give you to understand that my children can do exactly the same as yours or even more? And even if it wasn't, what? Are we not talking about children, fatherhood and motherhood? What's the point of creating this absurd competition? Isn't it more interesting to talk about how life has changed us, joke about things they do, explain anecdotes, than catch up on your daughter's skills? Don't you see that I am not impressed that your daughter says 'mú', 'meow' and 'wow' when you say 'what does the little cow, the kitten and the puppy do'? Don't you see that it is hard for me to believe that your son is 'the Chosen One', an indigo child or a crystal child? Is that really, I feel like when a friend shows me his new phone and shows me everything he can do, or the car and hits him with an accelerator to show me the power it has, and I don't want to look at children like that. They are not pots that you buy choosing the characteristics to then surprise others.
If the children hear us
It is very common for parents to do it when children are young, blinded by love for their children. This is great, eye. It is perfect that they talk about their children, that they drool, that they love them madly ... all they have to be careful is with meaningless praises, those of "already do this and do not touch", "is super hustler "," I have never seen a smarter child ", because many times, most of them, are not true and other mothers who see their children do the same and see it as normal, get upset.
As children grow up many parents stop doing it. First because they realize that their children are more normal than they thought. Perhaps they advanced a lot on something and then stood still, or saw that in the same way that they stood out in some things they were very slow in others. Or maybe their children grew up and other recent parents arrived talking just like them and realized they had been doing it for a long time. The fact is that many stop making such comments.
Many, but not all. There are a few left They keep telling you how good their son who knows the colors at 5 years old speaks English, how well his daughter dances because they have rehearsed a dance at the end of the year or how well the tables are known because ... they know. And in the meantime my wife tells me that I speak little of mine and that she seems not to be proud of them. But I am! Therefore, when I am with them and they have done something that makes me proud, I tell them. But I tell them, and I give them a hug, and a kiss, and I throw them in the air (well, the only major hug). But I don't need to explain to people what they do or stop doing because I leave that to them. If they want, explain to whoever they want what they do or stop doing, what they achieve or stop achieving. And they don't usually explain much because they don't seem to feel the need to be admired by others or depend on their congratulations (or at least not as much as other children who always want to show you what they know how to do so you can tell them "very well").
If the children hear us, if they see that we always talk about them and that we do it even when they are in front of them, as if they were not there: "Well, my son already does or stops doing", they may feel obliged to always demonstrate something. They become addicted to praise, They think that our love for them depends only (or above all) on what they do and show us and thus lose creativity, spontaneity and autonomy. What does a woman think whose husband only talks about her beauty, her beautiful hair and her thinness as the years go by and beauty seems to want to leave, her hair is no longer so pretty and she is not so thin anymore? You may not think anything, but you may think that everything for which your husband loved you is disappearing (as a relationship it is quite sad because I have raised it in a very exaggerated way, but this happens in many relationships more moderately). Well, it is something like that of what I am talking about, of making children dependent on our judgment and our praises.
Why are there parents who extol their children's abilities so much?
Surely there is not a single factor and surely there will actually be more than one reason, but one of the factors that I think is more related is the need for parents to show that they are doing well as parents. Something like "look how good we are doing that our son is like that and that way", and I don't think it is in plan "we are doing better than all of you", because surely there is no such pedantry behind, but as if wanting to demonstrate They are capable of doing something right, very well.
I sense that it is a way of heal a little touched self-esteem, that of people who have never felt that they have stood out in anything, despite having tried, and that knowing that they have nothing to offer others for themselves (which I do not say they do not have, but that they feel it that way ) They feel that their children are an opportunity that has given them life to show, finally, that they are doing very well. Something like enjoying themselves with the achievements that their children get and they did not get or, perhaps, with those who suspect they will achieve but have not yet achieved, who intuit when they tell you that "already speaks a lot for the age that He has "," he looks at everything, he's super hustler, "" he knows a lot, "etc. Not that they do anything extraordinary, but for them they are very advanced and almost rub their hands thinking about what their children will be able to do.
Why I say you have to reflect on it
This is good? It is bad? Can't they be proud of their children? Of course. I'm not saying the opposite. I myself have said that I am proud of my children for many things they do and sometimes I am not so much for others who do or do not. In both cases I let you know my feelings, my opinion, but in the same way that I do not tell what I do not like about them, I do not have a special need to tell what I do like, unless I talk to someone with a lot of confidence or unless That is something extraordinary, of course. Normal, come on.
Now, when I say it seems that we turn all our hopes on our children, as if they had to heal our frustrations, we have a problem, or more than one. What I have already commented, that they may feel in need of satisfying us and on the other hand, that it is a consequence also, that our requirement is always higher than the account: that we always need to tell things that they do and that unconsciously, they let's demand that they excel at something, when perhaps they don't want to, they don't feel it that way or they aren't even capable. Worth more keep looking for parents ways to make sense of our lives, ways to realize ourselves as people, to put everything to the letter of the children, because it is a weight that they do not deserve.
Photos | iStock
In Babies and more | "This child is very clever," Exaggerated praise can be counterproductive in children with low self-esteem
