But is not supposed to have a baby is the most wonderful thing in the world, that they come to become the light that illuminates your shadows, the engine that makes you run every day and the one that starts a smile, even when you don't feel like laughing ? Wasn't the joy of seeing the positive test supposed to be consummated at last on the day your baby was born? Why does nobody talk about that postpartum that suddenly, almost like from one day to another, erase your identity, your life and take all your energy?
I guess because not all women live it, or because not all women live it the same, but it exists. That postpartum exists and there are women who end up like Danielle Haines, a woman who decided to share her photo and her story three days after giving birth, without having slept yet and shattered, completely shattered, lost, and having hardly eaten.
The photo is from 2013, when she gave birth to her son Ocean, but last week she decided to tell her story, in case she could help the thousands of mothers who feel weird, who feel different, weak and incapable. Help them normalizing something that happens many times, the need for support from many mothers. It seems that women have been sold the bike that as having children does it all over the world, it is they who have to throw forward with everything, if possible, alone. And no, they need as much support and as much help as they can be provided, and if there is nothing that can be helped, they need understanding and love.
"I became crazy… "
Danielle explained that the photo was taken by her sister, three days after she gave birth. That day, at that moment, he had shattered nipples, full of cracks and blood and the sore vulva of sitting so much to breastfeed him. I noticed that the milk was almost rising, but the time had not yet come when I could satisfy it, so the baby cried and cried, really hungry. He hadn't slept yet since the day he gave birth and started crying too, thinking about the people who kill the babies.
He felt that he was losing his mind, that he was going crazy, and was crying remembering the day his mother abandoned them and she took care of her brother, who by then was almost as small as her son was then.
That day, that third day, her friend Katie came to lend a hand, to prepare her breakfast and even food. Throughout that morning Danielle did what all mothers do: smile, be kind, talk about how everything had gone and, above all, hide your true feelings. A woman, a mother, feels guilty of many things, and constantly evaluates herself, because the first thing she wants to be is a good mother, and at the same time, to be one more, one more mother, one of many who have taken her children Go ahead, always with a smile and with love, always trying to get that nobody ever doubts its implication.
It seems that a mother cannot say that this being a mother is turning out to be shit, a horror, something I did not expect, a "I can't do more", a life goes away with every beat, and the light goes out, and Everything is going away. Of course he loves his baby! Of course you don't regret it! He loves you madly! But that does not mean that the change is so abrupt, so evident, so exhausting, that it hurts, that it stings and that it bothers so much, that one may want or need to express reality. What is the problem with that? Is it not consistent? Can't one love her baby and feel that not happy, not at that moment, not like that?
With his sister he was not able to continue lying
In the afternoon his sister Sarah arrived. He couldn't lie with her. With her he couldn't take that mask anymore and everything fell apart. It was enough for Sarah to ask her "Hello, how are you?", So that she finally decided to tell the truth. I couldn't take it anymore, and I probably didn't want to keep lying anymore. "I am a mess," he said. And from there everything came out. The tears, the "I don't know how to do it", the "I don't want to see him cry, I don't want to see him like this", the "I couldn't be making him worse" and the "I can't anymore".
She, Sarah, who was already a mother, told her that she had been right where she was now, and that helped him a lot, because he could take away the pressure of knowing (or believing himself) a mother as horrible as any. Then he said: "I know this is going to seem crazy to you, but do you have a camera? You are so raw and so beautiful." And that picture is the one you see above. He didn't let go of his baby, he had teary eyes, and he was still able to sketch a smile.
Sarah, who came alone to bring you some food he stayed with her all afternoon to give her support. And so he decided that he had to start letting himself be helped. She didn't have to be a mother herself. Her husband had already started working, and she alone could not get ahead. He called Rachel to help her breastfeed her baby. I needed her. He called Shell, to tell him that his baby was fine. I needed her. And there he began to create his circle of women around his birth and his postpartum, around your baby and your care. Women who will lend a hand, each one from her experience and her good intentions so that she does not fall, to help her get ahead.
And what began as the worst dream of his life ended, according to her, as a magical postpartum:
I had a magical puerperium. It was not easy, but they supported me, fed me and reminded me that other mothers before me had gone through this part of motherhood and that they went ahead.
Because in the end, as I said in his day, as the children would tell us if they could talk to us: in the end everything happens.
If you ever felt the same
So if you ever lived something similar, if you felt like her, if you noticed that you were falling into an increasingly deep spiral, in an increasingly deep hole, without seeing the light, the exit, or the way forward, you're a Very good reference for those women who may feel the same. You can be his support, his support, his help, his pat on the back, the shoulder on which to cry or just the person who hears his complaints (which is not little).
Yes, many go through that, but that does not mean that it is one of the strangest events in life. Strange, because when you thought you were going to be the happiest woman in history you find yourself at a point far from that state, and with the terrible feeling of not being able to explain it, for not feel entitled to be like this.
And if you are one of those who is living now, seek help. Create that circle of women, or ask your husband to support you in it too. He must be, we must be, a very important pillar in motherhood, from our fatherhood and our love for you and the baby. We are not just the secondary actors, or we shouldn't be. So count on him and count on them. Do not be afraid to ask for help because that does not make you weaker or a less devoted mother. In fact, I would almost say that what makes you better taking care of your baby is precisely that you let yourself be helped in your motherhood, if you need it.
