There is a very basic principle of education that says that you can't pretend that others do what you don't do, or what is the same, that "do what I say, not what I do" is a very poor educational method aimed at failure, because children look more at our example than in our words.
As we explained a couple of years ago, educating a child is all that we do when we are not educating them, and that is why we parents should reflect a little about what we ask them to do, because we demand things that are totally convinced that it is the best but then it turns out that we don't do them: the nine things we expect our children to do and then we don't do.
1. To obey without questioning
For decades being obedient has been a quality highly valued by adults: "how good, what an obedient child", "what children so well educated, how obedient they are", when the reality is that Obedience can be dangerous in many ways. Of course there are times when a child must obey his parents, that there are very dangerous situations, but it must be clear that The more obedient a child is, the less he has to think. The more he follows his parents' instructions, the less he will know why he does what he does, and consequently, the less reasoning he will have.
Ideally, we educate children by helping them solve the situations and problems they face. Let us talk to them, talk, and give us their opinion, their solution, how they would do it. This does not mean that we have to do what they say, what they choose, but we must allow (and empower) them to think.
And children, before being forced to obey in all situations that occur to us, complain, grind and give their opinion, as we would do when our boss forces us to do something that doesn't seem right to us, or when someone expects us to obey without saying anything.
2. That they are not capricious
That before the drawings were seen only at a specific time and now there are not only channels where you can see them at all hours of the day, but also can see them online. That before the toy ads were only at Christmas and now they are all year. That children used to sneak up to have fun outside the house and now we buy things for them to play inside and not be in danger in the street. Before children had to endure if their parents did not spend much time with them and now parents feel bad and buy their love, and supplant that lack, buying them things.
Come on, we make them capricious for us, replacing our time with them with material things and then we tell them not to be capricious ... precisely when we ourselves are always looking for what trip to do, what shoes to buy or which mobile phone will replace the one we carry on because We buy as a prize. A prize for everything we work. A "I buy it because I deserve it", instead of considering that it would be better not to deserve it, work a little less and be able to spend more time with our children, so that by the way they didn't ask us so many material things either.
3. Let them share their things
How many people have you left your watch in recent days? And your mobile for a few hours? And your car? Your floor? Your shoes? Your clothes? Your purse? Because if the answer is "no one" it seems clear that we are not sharing our things too much. For children, toys are their toys, and if they are playing with them or have them by their side because in a little while they will, it is not fair for another child to take them and let him, especially if our son does not want to leave them.
We confuse sharing with solidarity, and we hope that children learn from an early age. They are very capable of being supportive of helping other people, other children, but it seems that they have clearer than us the value of the property, and it is they who have to decide when, how and what to leave other children.
Quiet, there comes a time when they do it, because they discover that they like it when other children lend them their things ... it is not something that we have to teach them from a very young age.
4. Don't complain when we humiliate you
Obviously, the ideal is never to humiliate them, but without wanting, or wanting, many parents do it: they talk about them as if they were not present, and in a way they feel ridiculous (or ridiculed). They talk to them, about serious things, when there are people in front, instead of turning away and, in a moment of intimacy, discuss something. They yell at them, they hit them, they make them feel bad, they hurt them physically and psychologically in order to educate them, and they expect them to think that is good or normal.
Then it happens that they bounce, complain, and parents still take it worse, as an offense. Do we not ride adults in anger when someone humiliates us in some way? "What has been believed? Who do you think it is to talk to me like that?"
5. Let them eat what they don't like
Of course, they don't make food, which we do, but pretending to eat what they don't like is a bit strange, because when we cook for ourselves we don't usually do what we don't like: "Good, today I I've made a cod recipe, which I can't stand. "
Yes, of course there are parents who say that "well look, I don't like it either, and I eat it well," but we can't expect children to understand it easily. In these cases the "try it, eat a little, etc." can go well, although we must not despair: if we always cook healthy food, if there is always healthy food at home and insanely scarce, we can be calm because they eat what they eat, we will know that they are eating well. The example of the parents does the rest, and many times it is when they are older when they decide to eat what they did not even taste as children because of the simple fact that others do it too or because they know that it is healthy and they want to take care of themselves.
6. That they are able to control their frustration
Or what is the same, that things happen that do not like and do not complain, when it is precisely the most logical. Different is that the answer is excessive for what we consider logical, but this is something that they themselves shape over time as they encounter more problems and situations to solve, while discovering the world in which They live and relativize their problems with respect to those of others.
Are we able to control frustration? Because as Carlos González says, sometimes it is the parents who do not tolerate their frustration:
Tolerance to frustration is not something that children have to have, but parents. When a child is frustrated he will respond normally (screaming, crying, getting angry) and adults should tolerate his frustration. That does not mean giving him everything he asks. We will not allow him to play with fire: we remove the lighter and that's it. But when you remove the lighter, you will get angry, and what we cannot do is scold you for being angry ("Shut up at once, don't be heavy!"), Or ridicule ("How ugly you get when you cry"). If we can, we remove it in a lighter in a distraction and avoid conflict. And if not, we endure: he will cry, and you have to try to comfort him.
7. Don't interrupt when others talk
What annoyance when we were children and they told us that "shut up, that the elders are talking", and we had to remain silent for a huge time because they never gave us the word. And all to see that among them, adults, continually stepped on dialogues and did not respect shifts.
You can tell a child "wait a moment" if you are commenting something with another person and come straight to talk about another topic, but sometimes they want to intervene also about something that is being talked about, and many parents don't let them.
8. Don't say swear words
Or tacos, or bad words. This is a classic. They can't, but we let them go and it makes us happy and then we get angry because we discover that they not only memorize them but are capable of embedding them skillfully within their dialogues. It seems that we say them even more times than we do, just because they handle them perfectly.
Here and everyone who does what he considers best, but if they say them, it will be for something ... In my house, for example, they are relatively allowed, for the same reason, but we call them attention when they are passing, when they abuse them, and when they do it outside the home. In the same way that you do not behave the same in a hospital as in your home, or in a store as in your home, you must learn that you do not speak the same to other people than in a climate of trust.
9. Tell them not to yell at you or hit you
Not in all cases, of course, but it's very curious to see some parents shouting at their children "I told you not to yell at me!", or hitting them while they say "No-se-pe-ga! Dad doesn't get hit!"
Photos | iStock
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