Mom, I want water, but I already take it! Your son screams from the hall. It is very possible that your first instinct is to get up running to prevent your kitchen from ending up like Venice. You also need to have the menu designed, the shopping list made, the weekend plans closed in advance ...
You need to control so that your life is not a disaster, and it is normal, it happens to you and it happens to many. Having control is necessary, but Excessive control has negative effects on us and our children. Do you sign up to lose control?
Having control (or at least the feeling of) is something that suits us, something we need. However, sometimes we lose perspective and that need for control does us more harm than good, both ourselves and our children. Excess control, in fact, has negative effects on children. Loosen up a bit, let go and accept that there are many things we do not control, it is something worth trying, but ... do you know how to stop controlling?
Why it is worth “losing a little control”
When we become parents, the need for control seems to be increasing: the order of the house, the planning of meals, clothes, expenses, plans for the weekend ... If we do not organize, it is not done, and With children it can be a disaster, right?
Think of a whole weekend at home, without leaving, with two children aged 3 and 5, for example. It's like opening two shaken bottles of cola. Or think about how your living room would be if you didn't impose yourself and ask for order: the mountain of Lego pieces would turn your home into a minefield on which it would be impossible to walk.
Order, control. We need it. Yes, we need it, as parents and as adults. Often in consultation I see people who feel they do not control anything in their life and this makes them deeply miserable.
If we don't control (or if we don't have the feeling of control) we don't feel capable of making decisions (and we let others do it for us). If we do not control, we cannot move with determination towards our objectives. If we do not control, we have the feeling that our life is drifting, and that does not suit us well for self-esteem, goal achievement, etc.
But too much control is no wonder: it leads us to feel frustrated when things do not go as planned, to scourge us for the failures and live them like a real drama, to feel vulnerable and "out of place" to the changes ... In short, the excessive need to control everything away from giving us the security we hope puts us in a land of quicksand.
The effect of excessive control over children
Excessive control is also not positive in the framework of paternity. There are few studies that indicate the harmful effects on children of educational styles too strict:
- Poor self-esteem
- Little capacity for emotional regulation.
- Increased risk of behavior problems.
- Less creativity
- Establishment of toxic relationships in the future.
- Etc.
A study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology and conducted by the University of Edinburgh, indicates that the effect of excessive parental control has effects on the well-being of the child both in childhood and in his adult life, finding effects of it on Adults up to 60 years.
So let's let go of our hair a little, relax and, as Elsa says in Frozen, with that song that all the parents of the world have tattooed in our minds, Let it go!
Let's try to relax and not try to control everything. We are going to try to let the little ones do little things (because it is what they are, and because they need to do them to develop in a healthy way). We are going to lose some control: you will see how good we feel.
Yes, I know what you are going to tell me: stop controlling is scary (We imagine the house falling to pieces and children with loincloths being savages), but think that it's not about stopping busy, but about stopping pretending to have control over all things What happens (and what will happen) with you and your children.
Breathe, relax and read, surely in the end you get it.
To lose control a little
1.Reflect on your need for control
The need for control is often due to fear or rejection of failure, error. But despite the bad press that has "fail" the reality is that it is not so terrible. This is a good time for you to wonder your beliefs about mistakes. To help you I leave some ideas for reflection:
- What happens if you make mistakes?
- Does failure make you less valuable?
- Is it so terrible if things don't go as you thought?
- Do you think others will stop loving you if you don't do it "all right"?
- What are the benefits of control?
- And what are the cons?
If it gives you "little thing" let go of the rope start by doing small experiments of "no control" (pretending to start by stopping doing great things will give you a dizziness that will prevent you from achieving control).
¿Examples? Try to change the plans at the last minute, to leave the washing machine one day without putting ... Is the world over? You may have to wear the same t-shirt yesterday, but no, the world does not end and you have experienced what happens when we take control of all things out of our heads.
2. Some occasions in which we exert excess control
- When we have some too high expectations about what you should or can do. The result? You ask him to do something that you take for granted that he should know how to do and how he doesn't do it (because he can't, not because he doesn't want to, hence we talk about expectations), you get angry. The key is that you may not have stopped to think that you have not explained exactly what you want it to do or how it is done. Your child is how old he is and may need you to detail the steps, or to do it with him.
- When we impose very strict and dictatorial norms and rules, not agreed upon: this occurs when the norms are imposed by our parents without having taken their opinion into account, without giving them the opportunity to understand those norms: we simply inform them that they exist and that He has to fulfill them. Can you imagine living like this?
- When you constantly turn to punishment ("To your room", "If not ..., then not ...).
Let's stop being so strict with children
As I said before the effect of excessive control over kids is something we should avoid because of the negative effects it produces, but sometimes, for some, leaving control is not an easy task. After all, we are adults who one day were children, who were educated in a certain way, who received (from parents or grandparents or teachers or any important figure) that excessive control from which we now want to flee.
So input, tranquility. To help you we go with some points that can guide you on this path.
1. Remember what you really want to teach him
Let us return to the example of the principle: your son wants water and he will serve it by himself, with his 4 years and his little hands (which are weapons of mass destruction). The, nothing appetizing, perspective of having to take the mop and pick up a liter and a half of water can lead you to say that you already put the water on you. But before you get up, stop and think:
What do you want me to learn? If we prevent him from doing things for himself, we are telling him that “doing well” weighs more than doing it, the message that arrives is of perfectionism, something that is not at all positive for the child.
We also prevent you from being autonomous, exercising your motor skills, your imagination, learning the fact-consequence relationship ... We are depriving you of a very valuable learning.
Drop rope, let him do. Part of the learning of human beings is produced by trial and error, so making mistakes is not only not negative, but also a very valuable source of experience.
Yes, it is more spectacular. Yes, you will have to pick up and clean a lot on some occasions, but it will also make your child more autonomous, feel competent ...
2. The reasons to overcome the need to control
- Teach your child to be autonomous, thereby promoting their self-esteem.
- Teach your child a healthy relationship model, one in which respect prevails and there is no control over each other.
- Although it sounds naiveThe truth is that it helps: stop and watch your child do things, the wonder of his learning, of his attempts and yes, also of his ideas that seem great to him but that you know that they will end up in a disaster of epic proportions. Seeing that little person you want to grow and develop so much, learn, come up with, mess it up… it's great. Do not miss it for control.
Photos: Pixabay.com;
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