We have already talked about the help we can give to children when a family member dies, but today we are going to do it by sharing an article of the Spanish Association of Pediatrics in its informative section In Family.
Dads and moms we have a tendency to protect children, and this includes “moving them away” even from their own emotions, but I am convinced that by allowing children to express their pain, we are favoring that the “transit” through this experience be healthy and give them a little stability. On the other hand, let's not forget that children also need communication on this subject, which is why we will always be honest and listen to them.
From the AEPED they tell us how the idea of death in the child evolves, and they also offer us recommendations, on the other hand they give some clues about “when it is convenient to increase vigilance” in a child whose relative has died. Death is part of life, but we keep it away. Real death is not present in the child's life. The child witnesses the fictitious death, in movies or television series. But real death is still far from family life; hidden in hospitals and in funeral homes.
It is impressive to read this paragraph and realize that it is completely true: death has moved away from everyday life, and yet it is still part of the life cycle of people, why move away from such a natural fact? Why don't we allow children to face the experience of this fact when it occurs in our immediate surroundings? ”
Recommendations aimed at facilitating the experience of this experience in children:
Make minimal changes in the child's environment, relationships and daily activities.
An adult should sensitively meet the child's daily needs.
It's good share sadness and memories openly with the child, encouraging him to talk about the deceased person.
Rather than avoiding sadness in the child, support should be provided in this situation.
It is important that grieving parents let some reasonable time pass before making vital decisions that may affect your children.
The grieving process requires greater observation during the first year: interviews with caregivers or teachers, observation of behavior and development, observation of the game ... It is important to prepare for possible reactions in the anniversaries.
The death of a family member immerses the child in confusion, and fills him with fears about the care he will receive in the future. Parents should know the normal reactions of children to the death of a loved one, as well as the signs that indicate that the child is having difficulty coping with the penalty
Would you let your children attend the funeral for the death of a loved one? Would you allow them to observe the dead person in the funeral home? Then I share with you the considerations of the AEPED.
Should the child go to the funeral?
The child should not be forced to go to the funeral of a loved one. But it is good to facilitate that the child can honor or remember the person in some way and according to family and social customs (light a candle, pray a prayer, prepare a scrapbook, review the photographs or tell a story). Children need to express their loss and grief as they believe.
From the age of 6-7, the child's opinion can be taken into account when attending the funeral. But if it goes, it is essential that there is a person who gives all the support and has the possibility of leaving the place if the experience is too hard for the child.
Among the manifestations of grief and according to the age of the children, we find completely normal reactions of anger (especially when the person who has died was essential in the child's life). This anger could manifest itself in violent games, nightmares, irritability or anger towards family members. When these problems persist over time, beyond the first six months, or manifest with great intensity, attention by the child psychiatrist or other mental health professional may be helpful.
We must pay attention because,
There are some factors that can increase grief reactions:
The loss of the loved one takes place in the preschool stage or in the beginning of adolescence.
exist previous problems, emotional or behavioral.
There are relational difficulties, before death, with the person who dies.
The surviving parent has emotional difficulties.
Family or community support is missing.
The attention the child receives is unstable and inconstant.
The death has been unexpected or violent (suicide, homicide). Maintain as much as possible emotional ties with grandparents, cousins, uncles, etc. from both sides.
As you can see, it is mostly about using common sense and paying close attention to children's emotions, let's not forget to give continued support and talk with them about this issue. Death is natural, but that is why we do not stop being sad at the death of a loved one.
